Stop Comparing Yourself To Other Moms

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Transcript

You’re listening to The Love & Lettuce Podcast, episode number 6. Today we’re talking about mom comparison. That is, comparing ourselves to other moms in a couple of different sneaky and not-so-sneaky ways. I feel like if you’re listening to this right now, it’s because you need to hear it, so stick around, mama.

Hey, this is Laura Lima, holistic nutritionist and founder of New Mama Nation, and host of The Love & Lettuce Podcast. I am here to help mamas know what to eat to give them energy and help them feel fantastic, so they can better enjoy life with their littles. And remember, this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only, and does not replace medical advice from your healthcare provider, and is not intended to diagnose or treat any medical condition. As always, please consult your healthcare provider to find out what is right for you. With that said, let’s get to the show.

Could you use more energy, mama?

I mean, who couldn’t, right? Get my free New Mama Energy Guide, where I’ll give you 10 tips to increase your energy, stat. Go to bit.ly/newmamas, that’s bit.ly/newmamas, to get your free copy.

There are two types of comparison I see us moms making, myself included (though I do try not to.) I’ll get into which two types these are, and I’ll give you examples of both, but I want to start by saying, this has to stop. As moms, we already have enough on our plate as it is, thank you very much. There are already a million things on our mind at any given time that to add another one, especially one that can be so stressful, like comparing ourselves to other moms, is just too much. 

Can you relate? I know I’m not the only one here who feels this way at times, and I’m excited to share with you these different types of comparing ourselves because we often don’t realize we’re doing it in the moment. And when it comes to this first type that I’m going to get into, we often don’t recognize this as being a type of comparison at all. 

So, here’s the first type of comparing.

It’s feeling so stressed and tired, but then immediately brushing yourself off and making your feelings unimportant because Sally has twins and that must be way harder, so therefore your feelings aren’t as valid. Feeling that because Mandy has a toddler and a newborn, I’m somehow wrong for feeling stressed with my one baby. It’s always feeling like, well, other people have more to deal with than I do, so I’m not allowed to, or I shouldn’t, feel this stress, or enter your own emotion here. 

Whoa, girl. Stop that comparing right now.

Been there, done that. Actually, I’ll tell you when I first noticed it. It was when Ellie, my oldest, was maybe 8 months old, and I was putting her down for her nap. I remember thinking of how stressed I was because she was the definition of a catnapper. So I knew I was in for half an hour, maybe 45 minutes of alone time before I had to get her up again. So I had to cram work, tidying up, prepping dinner, eating lunch, resting, right? All of it into that short timespan every single day.

And yes, as a side note, I did do gentle sleep training. I’m all for it, if that’s for you. And while it was fantastic for her overnight sleep, I was never able to extend her naps, no matter what I tried. Thank goodness Maggie, my youngest, is an expert long napper. Thank you, Maggie!

Anyway, when I would feel this way, when I would get stressed about Ellie’s short naps, I’d catch myself thinking, well, I only have one kid. Other moms have two, some have twins! Like, I have it so easy in comparison. I shouldn’t feel stressed; I haven’t earned it. 

Believe me, I know. It’s easy to get caught up in that trap of not feeling like your stress or emotions are valid, simply because others have more on their plate than you, or their plate looks different than yours.

Personally, when I’m having a stressful day and all I want to do is curl up with a book, and I can’t wait for bedtime, I most definitely have that moment of thinking of other moms and then telling myself, no, you shouldn’t be stressed; you have it so easy in comparison. And THEN I remind myself that what others are experiencing in their lives should have no influence on my feelings. I should be able to feel that stress, experience it, and realize that it is completely understandable, and then move on.

Listen, YOU are valid. So stop comparing yourself to other moms.

Your feelings are real and they should be experienced as such. Just as you should stop comparing yourself to other moms in the form of, oh man, she’s a way better mom than me because of X (which, hint, we will get into next!), you should stop comparing yourself to other moms in the form of, well, she has way more on her plate than me, so she has much more of a right to feel stressed. No, no way, no how. So the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, but then you talk yourself down, just remember that you have every right to feel the way you do. Feel it, live it, but then forget about it. Because just as it’s important to allow yourself to feel the stress, it’s equally as important to move past it and not let yourself live there for too long. 

Balance is key when it comes to our emotional health, just like most other things in life.

Be honest, do you find yourself comparing your situation to other moms’ in this way? Can you relate to writing your feelings off as “not valid” just because others seem to have more to get stressed about? 

Now, let’s get into the other type of comparison that I see us mamas making all the time. This type is when we compare ourselves to other moms and believe they’re doing it better somehow. Because you know we’re all doing it, right? Often without even realizing it.

Take this scenario of comparing:

You see another mom in your social circle and you think, wow, Tina is so put together! Her clothes match, her hair is clean, and she’s even wearing makeup. And man, does she have good style! I only wish I could put an outfit together half as well as she can. Oh, and does she get Botox between her brows? Because she has zero lines, and meanwhile, I have this annoying one that makes me look like I’m in a constant state of anger. And I bet she works out. She must work out because she is so fit! And look at her toddler. He is like the most well behaved child I’ve ever laid eyes on. And she’s talking about all these fun and developmentally perfect (or maybe she said appropriate, but she might as well have said perfect) activities she sets up for him every day. Every day!

And she’s telling me this as she breastfeeds her baby, which looks like it comes so easy for her. And I stole a glance at her belly (because that’s what you do), and she has not one hint of a mommy pouch. Like, Tina, how?! Your baby is 3 months old! And on top of everything else, she’s showing me pictures of her new house, and OMG it is so clean. It’s organized and doesn’t have any piles of laundry anywhere. Uhhh, Tina! You’re so perfect! What am I doing wrong?

Now, let’s take a deep breath together. That is a lot of comparing.

A lot of negative self talk, a lot of putting yourself down while sizing her up. Let’s start by saying that this is totally normal. We as humans have a natural tendency to see others and what they’re doing as the right thing and the best thing, while we don’t have a clue. And while there’s nothing wrong with a little inspiration as to how we might improve certain areas of our life (I mean, that’s why Pinterest was invented, right?), I believe that over-comparing ourselves to others can be emotionally and mentally toxic.

Here’s the problem. We start to believe that because they appear to be more put together than us in their life, their hair, their parenting… in everything, that they are somehow better than us. And then we start to change ourselves in pursuit of their apparent perfection. All the while dulling who we really are and living a less-than-authentic life. Really! That doesn’t seem like a very enjoyable way to show up for life, at least to me. I mean, how fun does it sound to never be satisfied with your life? And always looking toward others to show you the best way to be? Not very, if you asked me. Not very fun at all. And yet, this is exactly what is happening to so many of us, and it’s often on a subconscious level; we don’t even know we’re doing it. 

So what should we do?

First off, I call time out, game over, the end. I’m pulling the plug on this unfair treatment of ourselves, and am instead calling on us to turn our observation inward. In other words, observe you, how you rock that messy bun and those sweatpants, how you have the most fun just watching your kids play, structured activities or not… or how that’s actually not your most favourite thing to do, and that’s cool, too. How you always get food on the table, and therefore nourishment in your family’s bods, no matter how it got there. How you treat your body well, even if there are some things you feel you could improve upon.

So, do I think that we should look to others for inspiration? Oh, yeah. Motivation? Absolutely. But should we look to others to then look poorly at ourselves? To feel ashamed at the way we do things, the way we look, the way we live? Nope. No way, no how. That stops today, mama. You hear me? Today! 

Are you stuck in the comparison game?

Do you find yourself comparing your life, or body, style, parenting, whatever, to that of other moms? Will you make a commitment here and now to make a conscious effort to do it less? If so, say it out loud. Give power to your commitment by voicing it. If you’re in your car, you can do this safely. If you’re on the train, I mean, all the power to you! Do it, but you might get some looks. But seriously, make a conscious effort. Make a commitment to stop comparing yourself because, first of all, we all do it. And second, there is just no need. We are all our own people, and that is what makes life awesome. That is what makes life life.

All the power to you, mama. Tina may be great, but you’re a freaking rockstar. So I want to know, did you relate to anything in this episode today? Do you find yourself in the comparison game more than you’d like to admit? And what type of comparison do you find that you do more often? Find me on Instagram and let me know. I’m @lauraannlima. Take a screenshot of this episode and tag me in your story (or send me a DM) and let me know all your thoughts. I will see you there.

And if you’re not already subscribed to this podcast, do it!

That way when a new episode comes out, you’ll see it right there on your phone. Talk to you next week, mama.

And don’t forget to get your free copy of my New Mama Energy Guide. Just go to bit.ly/newmamas for instant access. Thanks for listening to The Love & Lettuce Podcast. To find out how to work with me and for more great info, check out newmamanation.com. This is Laura! Until next time, love and lettuce.