I had a miscarriage.

Words that I hoped I would never have to say, and yet words that I also hadn’t given much thought to, primarily for that reason. As if not thinking about it too long would keep me from experiencing it. I kind of skimmed over the idea, even though I knew how common it was. 

My kids are all two years apart and it was pretty much like clockwork: no period for a year after giving birth, get my period back, go through one or two cycles, get pregnant again. And that’s what happened this time, too.

I just kind of went along with life during my three previous pregnancies, being as healthy as I could and just enjoying (minus the first trimester, ha) the process. There was always that bit of anticipatory nervousness at each ultrasound, trying to speed up time until the point at the end where they would say, okay, strong heartbeat, baby looks healthy, all seems good!

Whoooosh, what a relief.

Only this time was different.

The Ultrasound

Before the ultrasound began, the technician asked me the standard questions including how many previous pregnancies I had had, as well as how many live births. “Three and three!” I said without hesitation, knowing, as I always have, how lucky I was to be able to say that. I never took it for granted, but I definitely felt lucky. 

At that point, I was supposed to be almost 8 weeks pregnant, and I knew based on my previous pregnancies that this was the moment I would likely be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time, as well as get my estimated due date and see the little blob on the screen.

Instead, what I heard was, “Okay, I’m just seeing the gestational sac but nothing else yet. It could be too early to see anything,” (I knew it likely wasn’t), “so let’s do a transvaginal ultrasound if you’re up for it so we can get a more accurate picture.” (I definitely was).

After a few minutes, she said, “Okay so the report will be sent to your doctor and they’ll likely receive it today and give you a call.” I knew the technicians weren’t allowed to say much, but still I asked, “So you still just saw the gestational sac?”

“Yes, I did, so the report will be sent to your doctor and you’ll likely hear from them today,” she repeated.

Okay, this doesn’t sound great.

Still, I’m nothing if not hopeful and optimistic, so I thought, maybe I did have my dates wrong or ovulated later than I thought.

Processing The News

Back in my car, I started googling (of course I did), and within 10 minutes had diagnosed myself with a blighted ovum. This is where the fertilized egg attaches to the uterine wall, but then the pregnancy doesn’t progress from there. Sometimes the embryo begins developing and stops, and sometimes it doesn’t really develop at all. Chromosomal defects seem to be the main cause of blighted ovum.

I cried, and then I felt okay (because maybe I was earlier than I thought), then I cried (this really sucks), and then I was kind of just ‘blah’ (if this is happening then it must be for the best, but still, this sucks). I was grappling back and forth on both ends of the spectrum, not sure where to land.

‘So, am I pregnant or not?’ was the question on my mind for the following almost two weeks. Being in limbo was one of the hardest parts, because I wasn’t sure if I should remain hopeful or accept the fact that I wasn’t actually pregnant anymore after all.

Looking back though, I’m grateful for that ultrasound giving me a hint of the latter possibility, because when I started bleeding shortly thereafter, I feel like that would’ve been even more shocking (and traumatic) if it had come with no warning.

The Physical Process

I started spotting just over a week after that ultrasound (‘okay, this is technically still normal in the first trimester, but I’m guessing this is the start of something’), and then three nights later, it got heavy (‘yes this is definitely happening’).

Google once again told me what I might expect, so I knew that the heavy bleeding would probably be accompanied by large clots and pregnancy tissue (whatever that might look like). And that is exactly what happened for me.

Two days later, I was walking into the bathroom to pee and suddenly I was like, whoa! Heavy bleeding incoming! And then I let out an involuntary yelp because it actually felt like a thing, like something substantial, was coming out of me. It didn’t hurt, but it was the weirdest feeling. I’m still not sure if it was the gestational sac or maybe the sac inside a blood clot, but I do know that my follow-up ultrasound the next day confirmed that my uterus was in fact empty.

In total, I bled for just over a week (plus those first couple days of spotting), and the (pretty mild) cramping came only during the heavy times. Every body is unique so of course all stories vary, but I wanted to share mine with you. 

My Thoughts on Miscarriage

I’m grateful for three things: that my body was able to start and complete the process on its own; that this happened early on in the pregnancy; and that the embryo didn’t develop much, or perhaps was never there at all.

Still, I was so excited. I love being pregnant (the first trimester is tough but after that I’ve felt amazing), and this meant that we would have a fresh new baby to add to our party of five next summer. Our babies would each be two years apart, and our family would be complete. When I saw that positive pregnancy test for the first time, I was like, yes, here we go! Again!

I’m also looking at the (biological) clock, which makes me feel in a bit of a rush. I just turned 38, so I was excited to get this show on the road. 

I have some close people in my life who went through miscarriages later on in pregnancy, and I cannot imagine what they went through. My passing what I thought was the sac was traumatic enough, and getting to the point of feeling the baby kick to then go on to experience a loss at that point? Just, no. My heart goes out to all the women who have had to go through that. 

I also found myself saying, I couldn’t imagine if this was our first, not knowing whether my body was able to have a healthy pregnancy, and not already having three amazing kids. 

It’s still this beautiful baby in your mind that never was, no matter how many kids you already have; however, my heart goes out to those women too. And the ones who have experienced multiple losses; again, I simply cannot imagine.

Telling The Kids (And Others)

For some reason, we (mostly I) decided not to tell our girls yet (who are 5 and 3 – Ben, 1, would have no idea). I had this thought (intuition?) that we should wait until after the first ultrasound when we had true confirmation. And now, I’m glad. 

We also hadn’t told many people in our life, but looking at it now I’m like, why NOT tell others sooner? In case things don’t go as planned? I’m telling you now that things didn’t go as planned for us, and most people didn’t even know I was pregnant in the first place!

Miscarriages happen and I want others to know that it happened to me, too. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or hide from others (although I completely understand wanting to go through it privately). I believe it’s way more common than we realize, and I am now one of the many.

It’s good to know those around us, in our immediate circle and beyond, who have gone through it so we can lean upon their experience and embrace their support. 

I’m sharing my story mostly so that other women can hear a firsthand experience of what my miscarriage was like and what my body went through. I had no clue what to expect and I wanted to shine some light on the details of what I experienced so others could have an idea, whether it’s something they’re going through or not. 

As I write this, I see on my calendar that in two days, it would’ve been my first midwife appointment. You know, the one where they ask you a bunch of questions and you might even be able to hear the heartbeat if baby is in the right position for it. 

I loved those appointments and hearing that heartbeat was food for my soul. So, I definitely felt the empty feeling in my gut when I pressed ‘delete’ on that today. 

However, I’m still hopeful and optimistic for the future. 

Yes, We Are Planning For 4

And yes, this all means that we have decided to have a fourth baby. We’ve always wanted between two and four, so we thought, let’s do it. Let’s add one more to the mix. We love the craziness and love and chaos and fun that comes with a kid-filled life. 

I would love your thoughts on miscarriage, whether your own experience (if you want to share), or your thoughts on it in general. Feel free to leave a comment below. 

Thanks for listening to my story. 

xo, Laura